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6 Reasons Why Taco Bell Delivery is the Most Important News You’ve Ever Heard


Heaven is now home delivered, baby

BY DOUG MICHELS (REVIEWniverse guest contributor)

Waking up with a hangover, fumbling for your keys. Only two things are on your mind, “How did I get that taco last night? I was too drunk to drive?” and “I’m so late for work.” In your foggy state you stumble out the door. Walking toward your car you notice the bumper is hanging on by barely a thread. You come to the realization that you put not only yourself, but everyone else on the road, in danger last night. The image of your loved ones shaking their heads is held back only by the crushing disappointment that you will not be getting paid today, you will be paying a body shop.

Thankfully, this will all soon be a thing of the past. Taco Bell has recently announced plans to test a delivery system in 2015. You read that correctly, so forget about things like presidential candidate announcements or some fruit company’s watch. Sit down, and allow me to educate you on why this is bigger than anything you’ve ever bothered to take note of.

1. Public Safety

The numbers will never be in, but rest assured, lives will be saved. No longer will you and the bros risk a lost license, or other people’s lives to get your cheesy Gordita fix. In some ways Taco Bell is preventing you from getting a criminal record.

2.  Job Creation

Contrary to what politicians would have you believe, people are still out of work. Imagine the fleet required to service all of these Taco Bell orders. Going solely based on the amount of cars lined up at the drive-thru every night, I can only assume that it will cut unemployment by approximately 95%. Imagine a world, where you could be the one to bring the joy of tacos to people everywhere. People drunkenly staggering to the door, blindly handing you a chunk of money before digging into the mixed bag of cheesy goodness. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

3.  No Mas Pantalones

If you’re anything like me, the lower half of your body is only clothed when required by law. Putting on pants to drive to get Taco Bell, only to return home and remove them again is just so bothersome. With Taco Bell delivering to my door, I no longer have to worry about traumatizing multiple people on any given day.

4.  A Life Without Shame

How many times have you ordered $20 in Taco Bell just for you, only to have to add on another drink to make it seem like it's a shared meal? With Taco Bell delivery nobody knows how many people you are ordering for. Now you can create a secretive relationship with your local Taco Bell delivery driver. For an extra five dollars you can look him in his very soul, and whisper, “Tell no one.”

5.  Raising The Bar

With the Bell offering delivery, it is only natural that other fast food chains will have to follow suit. Imagine, you never have to cook again. You can spend that valuable time weeping at the various characters and logos imprinted on the paper bags that have consumed your once beautiful home.

6.  Live Mas

What Taco Bell is really doing is letting us all live a little bit mas. No longer will you sit in a drive-thru, waiting behind the dozens of other patrons, all craving the [hard/soft shell] filled with [chicken/beef/steak] and a healthy helping of [cheese/beans/rice]. You can now spend your time the way it was meant to be spent, impatiently waiting in your living room.

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